If you are being threatened or physically or sexually assaulted by someone you live with, that is domestic violence. Domestic violence is controlling and aggresive behaviour and includes all kinds of physical, sexual and emotional abuse within all kinds of intimate relationships. Domestic violence is often used to maintain power and control over another person.

Anyone can experience Domestic Violence

it can happen in all kinds of relationships and for any reason. It is rarely a one-off event. Physical and sexual abuse tends to get more severe and happen more often over time, sometimes only ending when one person actually kills the other.

This chain of events needs to be broken and a range of organisations are working to do this. Some examples are mentioned in this article. But individuals have a part to play. For people experiencing violence, the support of a trusted friend can be invaluable. Breaking the chain is a job for everyone, and we all have a vital role to play in supporting victims and helping law-enforcement agencies and other agencies to stamp out violent and controlling behaviour.

It is important to remember that domestic violence is a crime and those that commit such crimes must answer for their behaviour. We all have the right to live without fear of violence and abuse.

Recognising Domestic Violence

Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse, rape and threats. It may also include destructive criticism, pressure tactics, disrespect, breaking trust, isolation and harassment. Some abusers offer 'rewards' if certain conditions are met, or to try to persuade their partners that the abus won't happen again, But, however persuasive they seem, the violence usually gets worse over time.

Domestic violence may happen to anyone, and in all kinds of relationships, heterosexual relationships, lesbian or gay relationships or in relationships where a child is violent towards a parent. People suffer domestic violence regardless of their social group, class, age, race, disability, sexuality and lifestyle. The abuse can begin at any time - in new relationships or after many years spent together.

Accepting that you are not to blame

It is not easy to accept that a loved one can behave so aggresively. Because you can't explain your partner's behaviour, you may assume that you are to blame - You are not. No-one deserves to be assaulted, abused or humiliated, least of all by a partner in a supposedly caring relationship. It is your abuser's behaviour which needs to change - there is no excuse.

Getting Help

The most imortant thing you can do is tell someone. You may decide quickly and easily to ask for help. Or you may find the process is long and painful as you try to make the relationship work and stop the violence, and struggle against the emotional and practical reasons for staying in an abusive relationship.

Most people try to find help a number of times before getting what they need, and even after leaving the relationship there may still be a risk. Never be afraid to ask for help again and remember , in an emergency, always call the Police by dialing 999.

Remember that domestic violence is a crime and all the agencies should work together to wipe out and prevent that crime, and protect women, children and men who are suffering because of domestic violence. It is not simply the responsibility of the victim of domestic violence to end the abuse.

HOW CAN I BE PROTECTED FROM THE VIOLENCE?

Legal protection

Regardless of whether the Police can use criminal law against a violent person, you can still use the civil law to get protection to allow you to live in safety if you feel this will help. Under the Family Law Act 1996 many victims of domestic violence can apply for court orders against their abusers. For example, you can apply for an order against someone you live with or have lived with (whether or not you have been married), someone you have agreed to marry, or someone who shares parental responsibility for a child with you.

Thes orders can stop the abusive behaviour or, in some cases, prevent the abusive person from entering your home. Courts can attach the power of arrest so that if your abuser does not keep to the order, the Police can take them to court.

If you are on Income Support or have a very low income, you may be able to get public funding (formerly legal aid) to pay for legal proceedings and advice from a solicitor.

You can find out more from the Police, a solicitor, your local magistrates' court or county court, a Citizens Advice Bureau or Women's Aid Groups.

Moving Away

If you are being abused by the person you live with, or by someone connected with you such as an ex-partner, you may decide it is best to leave your home. If you have nowhere else to go you can contact the helplines at the end of this article or your local council's housing department. The council should provide a 24-hour emergency homelessness service. If they feel you are vulnerable because you are at risk of domestic violence, and that it would not be reasonable for you to continue living at your home, they must help you to find somewhere else to live. They may provide you with temporary accomodation such as a place in a hostel, a bed and breakfast hotel or a woman's refuge.

One of the many reasons that many people stay in abusive relationships is because they wonder how they will manage financially if they leave. There are various benefits you may be able to claimand you can claim some of these even if you are working. Your local Social Security Benefits Office will be able to give you advice.

What about the Children?

There are frightening links between domestic violence and child abuse. Children may be injured or abused or at risk of accidental injury, and they often suffer indirectly even when they are not directly abused themselves. They are more often aware of the abuse than their parents realise.

Your abuser may threaten that if you leave or tell anyone about the violence, your children will be taken away from you. Social Services will not take children away for this reason. If you fear your partner will abduct the children, you should get advice as soon as possible. Your local Women's Aid Group, Law Centre, Citizens Advice Bureau or a solicitor can advise on issues such as parental responsibility, where children should live, who they should have contact with, changing schools and related problems. They can also give you advice on how to protect your children and how contact between your children and a violent parent can be restricted or supervised.

How can I help a friend who is experiencing domestic violence?

Unless the person you are trying to help has been very open about the violence, it may be difficult for you to tell them you know about the problem. However, if someone does confide in you that they are experiencing domestic violence, there are some basic steps you can take.

* Be understanding: Explain that there are many people in this situation. acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk about the abuse. Allow them time to talk, and don't push them to give too much detail if they don't want to.

* Be supportive: Say that no-one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what the abuser may have said. Be a good listener, and encourage them to express their hurt and anger.

* Let them make their own decisions.
if they arn't ready to leave the relationship, this is their decision.

* Ask if they have suffered physical harm.
Offer to go with them to hospital if they need to go. If they want to report an assault to the Police, help them to do this.

* Give them information on the help which is available.
look at the options together. Go with them to visit a solicitor if they are ready to take this step.

* Help them work out safe plans for leaving the abusive relationship.
Let them decide what is safe and what is not. Don't encourage them to follow any plans they are not sure about.

* Offer to let them use your address and phone number for receiving information and messages.

* Above all, look after yourself while you are supporting someone else.
Do not put yourself in a dangerous position. For example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about your friend, or let the abuser see you as a threat to their relationship.

WHO CAN I TALK TO?

Women's Aid
National 24-hour Domestic Violence Hepline;
08457 023 468

Local Women's Aid refuge services;
Look in the phone book for your local number.

Refuge
24-hours National Crisis Line
08705 995 443

Victim Support: 0845 30 30 900

Shelterline: 0808 800 4444

Broken Rainbow
A referral service for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people experiencing domestic violence:
07812 644 914